CHAPTER THIRTEEN I AM NOT MY BODY

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

I AM NOT MY BODY

It’s hard to believe how much I spend on supplements and doctors each month.   I'm letting go of money worries and trusting there will be enough to buy the things I need. President Chamberlain of the Jordan River Temple. blessed me that I would have enough money to the end of my life.  When fearful thoughts come, I remember this blessing and trust in the Lord. There are many unknowns with Parkinson's, but God knows my future and will be with me on this journey.  Most of the time I’m strong, but sometimes  my faith is weak and I fear the future.  In those moments I feel the darkness surround me and I have no light to shine.   
       

I’ve been processing a lot of emotions, some anger and some tears.   Sometimes I’m jealous when I see others my age and older who don’t have tremors and can eat anything they want.  Eating sugar is like adding fuel to a fire and ignites the nervous system, so I need to be careful with sweets. When I don’t get enough sleep or work too hard the tremors are extra bad.  Sickness also makes them worse.  At the end of the day I’m completely worn out and my hand burns, and the muscles in my right arm and leg are exhausted.  They are becoming numb and weak.  My balance is getting worse and typing is difficult with my jumping fingers. 

When my future appears bleak I want to stay home and be a reclusive person.  It’s not like me,  I‘ve always loved being with people and pleasing them.   I love making others happy, but this is a burden because some people are impossible to please! I’ve been a workaholic but the work was never done and there was never enough time. Now, I can let go of all these burdens.  I have a good reason to stay in my home, out of the limelight, and I no longer need to be perfect or worry about pleasing others.  It’s okay to rest and spend time taking care of myself and my health.  Recently in the temple I felt a warm and loving confirmation that God is pleased with my life.  I’ve been a faithful daughter and it is enough.   It’s okay for me to do things differently than I have in the past.  President Hinckley said: 

“The purpose of life is not made up of 498 things “to do” but to take each stage of life, and do what we can, where we are, to be more Christ-like in each phase of life, is to make the greatest progress and fulfill the measure of our creation.” 

This journey is an opportunity for me to accept and receive help from others and learn to be more like Christ.  It's my opportunity to be a human being instead of a human doing!  I can let go of Martha-like behavior and embrace Mary.  Dr. Deepak Chopra says that people who believe they don’t have enough time are probably going to develop health problems.  Heart attacks and other health problems are linked to a sense that there’s never enough time.  Time pressure causes stress hormones to be released and if the person struggles against this, his situation only gets worse.  Type A personalities, like me, are much more sensitive to time pressures than others, believing that time is running out and life is a race to get all the jobs done.   Those who see timelessness draw the infusion of Being into everything they think and do and they can experience true immortality in this life!  

                                                  Living in the moment.
    

Parkinson’s dis-ease is showing me my weaknesses and my fears.  I can change the belief that I’m running out of time.  I can believe that life is not a race and there is enough time to do all that I came to do.   Instead of hiding I can look into the eyes of others and smile at them.  Most of my life I wanted a different body and hated my weight.  I was too thin or too fat, and never happy with myself.  I wished I had a pretty nose and beautiful hair.  I didn’t appreciate my body or give it proper care, now I’m taking good care of my health.  This body is a wonderful gift and I’m  very grateful for the excellent health I've had throughout my life! 

Our mission on earth is a spiritual mission, to find the truth of who we really are, then integrate our divine essence into everything and fulfill the measure of our creation.  The first part of our lives we acquire layer after layer of false beliefs about who we are, as we try to get recognition from our parents and siblings, and avoid pain.  Then we add more layers trying to get the approval of our teachers and our peers.  We spend the first thirty years of life pretending to be somebody else, and the rest of our lives trying to find our real self underneath it all.

                                             Four generations of love.

Parkinson’s is leading me to the truth of who I am - I AM NOT MY BODY.   My body is doing some strange and funny things, but those things are happening to my body, not to me.  My body is separate from my spirit.  I'm becoming acquainted with my soul and it's  beautiful, loving and strong!  As I lose teeth, hair, balance and the ability to work and function, I am finding the beautiful spirit that resides inside.  I'm not my bank account, my accomplishments, my nose, my hair,  or a collection of walking personality disorders.  I am spirit and I am love.  I am strong and faithful, I am loving and caring, and I am obedient and loyal.  As I learn who I really am, I am trusting God and his plan for my life instead of my own.  I believe the spoken word is powerful, especially “I AM” affirmations.  The words  “I Am”  unlocks the power to create in God’s name, when it is spoken in love.  I know that I am God’s child and I am a tiny part of him.  Dr. Wayne Dyer says:

“Every time you say ”I AM”  you are saying God in me is, and thus drawing to yourself whatever follows.   Thought creates, but the spoken word is needed to manifest into a physically tangible vibration.  Saying the words strengthens their power and draws down more light, so repeat the affirmations as many times as you feel you need to.   Take advantage of the power (of the word) from within which is always there for you.”

                                                         Hidden talents!

I’m grateful for the excellent health I’ve had these many years in spite of my neglect, and I'm grateful for the days I see truth and confront Satan’s lies. He has deceived me long enough!  I'm letting go of distractions and the busy chatter in my head.  I’ve been so busy with the non essentials, I couldn’t see the things that matter most.  Many of us spend our lives on things that matter very little.   President Uchtdorf asked dying patients if they had regrets about their lives, and many deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of work.  They felt they lost out on choice memories that come from spending time with family and friends.  President Uchtdorf said:

“Isn’t it true that we often get so busy?  And we even wear our busyness as a badge of honor, as though being busy was an accomplishment or sign of a superior life.  Too many songs remained unsung.  Let us resolve to follow the Savior and work with diligence to become the person we were designed to become.  Let us listen to and obey the promptings of the Holy Spirit.  As we do so Heavenly Father will reveal to us things we never knew about ourselves.  He will illuminate the path ahead and open our eyes to see our unknown and perhaps unimagined talents.  The more we rely on the Savior’s grace, the more we will feel that we are on the track our Father in Heaven has intended for us. 

Life is not a race, it’s a journey.  Enjoy the moment.  No matter our circumstances, no matter our challenges or trials, there is something in each day to embrace and cherish.  Perhaps we should be looking less with our eyes and more with our hearts.  One sees clearly only with the heart.  Anything essential is invisible to the eyes.  This life is passing swiftly and our days seem to fade quickly.  We cannot take for granted one single day.  I pray that we will not wait until we are ready to die before we truly learn to live.”

                    Precious time with daughters and granddaughters.
                             

Trials and mistakes are simply opportunities for learning.  When there is a crisis in our lives, we can evaluate the lessons we’re learning and use these lessons as stepping stones to lift us to a higher plane.   Hard things become a catalyst to create positive strength.  We are wiser and stronger when we overcome opposition.  We not only gain experience, but learn who we are and what our gifts are, then we can use these gifts to benefit others.  Every woman has been given the gift to nurture.  I believe that when the women of the world know who they really are, they will change the world!

                

                              Our granddaughters will  change the world!

I have many spiritual gifts as a peacemaker and nurturer, but I couldn’t see those gifts. President Uchtdorf said: "No matter what else we are or do in life, we must never forget that we are God's literal spirit children.  We were His children before we came to this world, and will be His children forevermore. Satan would rather that you define yourself by your sins instead of your divine potential." Our journey is much harder when we listen to him.

                                            Walk tall,  daughters of God! 

I'm grateful to know that God loves us and rejoices in our every effort to stand tall and every step we take toward him.  I've been told by different energy workers that my spirit is often outside of my body, beside myself. When life seems too heavy my spirit leaves my body. Now, the tremors are bringing me back, they are a reminder to focus on becoming the person God intended me to be.  He is “shaking me up real good” so I will let go of performance roles and trying to please others.  I’ve found a new meaning for “fear and trembling.”  My fears may have caused my tremors, but now my tremors are showing me my fears!