CHAPTER TWENTY ONE SURRENDER SUZANNE

CHAPTER TWENTY ONE

SURRENDER SUZANNE  

One night the tremors were so bad I couldn’t sleep so I got up to read.  As I walked in the dark I tripped and fell on the coffee table.   I knew it was bad when I felt the crunch in my rib cage and the pain that followed.  For two months I was a blob of pain.   I had never experienced such pain before, but pain is always my best teacher and I learned there are worse things than Parkinson’s. I couldn’t “do” anything.  Wilf was my care giver and did everything for me, just like he did in Cambodia!  

                                    Wilf, my best shopper in Cambodia!

In the last five years I've gone from a capable hard working woman to a useless broken slug. When our children came to see me,  all I could do was sit and visit.  I couldn’t serve them or myself.  My list of things I could do grew very small in a very short period of time.  With the little strength I have left in my right hand, I could play the piano, type, shower on my own and move about the house very slowly and carefully.  The doctor said it would take two months to heal broken ribs. I didn’t want to believe him, but he was right, it took every bit of two months and then some to get better.  Without exercise my body got weaker and weaker, adding to the stress and toll of Parkinson’s.

 

One week after I broke my ribs, my beloved brother Doug,  passed away at the Veterans  hospital, after fighting a valiant battle with cancer.  We were very close in age, only two years apart.  I loved him dearly for 66 years, and I couldn’t even go to the hospital to say goodbye to him because of my painful condition.  His wife, Gloria, put the phone to his ear so I could tell him how much I loved him.  We thought he would die  many times before because of his fragile condition, but he always surprised us with his strong will to live.     

The world was a better place because he lived!  He was a choice, sweet soul with a brilliant mind and a kind heart.  When he was a young child everyone called him the sunshine boy. He was an Eagle Scout and he lived the spirit of that award throughout his life.  He served two years in the East Central States Mission and returned home ready for life, just when the Vietnam war was escalating.

                                           My brother, Doug, before Vietnam. 

We were all heartsick when he received his draft notice, but like other dutiful and patriotic Americans he obeyed the call and went to fight the war in Vietnam. My entire family spent the next twelve months praying and crying over his letters.  He loved the Vietnamese people and they loved him.  They loved his kind gentle nature and followed him everywhere, calling him “Number One G I”.   He was truly a gentle warrior! When other American soldiers were arrogant and unkind, he loved and honored these gentle Asian people.  He was wounded and received a Purple Heart Award.  We were ecstatic when his general cut his service one month short because of the pleas of our desperate mother. 

                                        My brother after the Vietnam war.

Doug was not the same innocent boy who left us one year earlier.  He had changed from a carefree and happy young man to a serious and seasoned soldier, but still very much the gentle warrior.  His heart was forever changed by the humble spirits of the Asian people he loved in Vietnam.  In 2007 he was diagnosed with Myeloma, a type of bone cancer, possibly from his exposure to Agent Orange, a chemical used in the Vietnam war.  His kidneys shut down when he was so very ill and for the last five years he valiantly endured the painful side effects of dialysis and the harshness of chemo therapy.

     

Doug was a good man who always thought of others more than himself.  I’m so blessed to be his sister and I will miss him dearly. Several times we said goodbye to him when he was in the most critical condition.  The cancer and the chemo slowly ravaged his body and robbed him of his strength and eventually his life. The last time I saw him he was tired of fighting to stay alive.  He was very peaceful and had surrendered to his coming death.  He was a great example of enduring to the end, even in his suffering he didn’t complain.  I want to be as strong for my family and endure suffering as well as he did.      

                                   Doug was given the flag at my Dad's grave.

   

When the doctor first told me I had Parkinson’s, I thought it was something I could handle.  I believed that all I needed to do was change to a raw diet and everything in my body would heal quickly.  All my life I looked for the easy road and the short cuts.   I was sure I'd found the short cut to get well and I had hope for my future.  How naïve I was!  Parkinson’s is a horrible dis-ease, much worse than I thought and no easy road!

  

For two years I’ve done everything to get well; eat healthy, drink only pure water, exercise, take lots of nutritional supplements, pray, and fast, as well as cleanse the inner vessel. I’ve spent hundreds of dollars on supplements, doctors, healers and treatments to regenerate my body.  My family and friends have fasted, prayed and given me Priesthood blessings.  In spite of all this I still have Parkinson’s and it's going faster than I believed possible.  I've been through stages of shock, grief, denial, pride,  anger and self pity. 

Wilf has taken over the housework and the bills.  Our youngest daughter, Missy, is having her third baby without a mother to help her. This is not what I planned for my life. I’m tired and ready to surrender my life to God.  I know he has a plan for me, even though it may not be the plan I wanted.   It's time for me to surrender and let go of fear and anxiousness about my future.  

Parkinson’s is teaching me to conquer my fears and correct what is amiss in my life.  I am learning humility and lowliness of heart.   I just want to be peaceful and calm and put everything in God's hands.  I've tried so hard to get well that I forgot that Christ is the healer and not all the crazy things I do.  I need Him to rescue me from myself!  “Oh God, thy sea is so great and my boat is so small.” When the disciples of Jesus were out in a great storm, they cried to Him to save them, and he rebuked the wind and said unto the sea, “Peace, be still,” and the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.  Jesus said,  “Why are ye so fearful?  How is it that you have no faith?  Be not afraid, only believe?” 

I know I’m not alone in this boat,  the Savior, the creator of this world, is in the boat with  me and he will calm the storms that are raging all around.   He will tell me what to do, as I put my trust in him and keep moving my feet.  President Monson said, “Put your hand in the hand of God, and you will not be alone!”  As I put my hand in his He will lead me just like He did in Cambodia. 

                                              He leads me in Cambodia.

Wilf gave me a beautiful blessing and said we will see incredible things and have great joy in the future. I know the Savior can heal me, if it's His will.  I believe my liver and kidneys can heal, and my nervous system can regenerate. I believe my body can heal and repair itself  but I need to accept the “easiness of the way.”   Becky continually reminds me to surrender to God’s plan for me and be happy, laugh and have more fun.  

Wilf is a happy enthusiastic and very affectionate man with a very tender heart.  He always wanted me to be more fun loving and free flowing but I have resisted and insisted that I maintain a more serious personality.  He tells me I need to eat more hot dogs and read more fiction!  Perhaps I should have followed his counsel.  He is so good to me, when he massages my hand or my foot the tremors calm down immediately and I finally relax.  It feels so very good and is healing to my tired muscles.  He patiently and tenderly helps me in so many ways and never complains.  He is so good to give me Priesthood blessings when I ask him.  I couldn’t get through Parkinson's  without him! 

                                        My fun loving affection caregiver!

We are celebrating  our 50^th anniversary! I’m so grateful that he  stayed with me all these years and I’m grateful for our beautiful family.  We truly have joy and rejoicing in our posterity!

                                         His persistance paid off! 

   

I'm very grateful Wilf is still strong and healthy, even with his swallowing problems.  His throat has miraculously opened many times this past year, now he is much more careful when he eats.  God truly gives us many chances to do better.  I’m grateful we are now on the same path, taking responsibility for our health so we can be instruments in God’s hands.  

I’m tired of resisting what is.  The tremors are taking a huge toll on me, perhaps my life would have been easier if I hadn't resisted all drug support. It's time for me to accept the fact that drugs will be a part of my life with Parkinson's.   I can resist the process or surrender but when I  resist I’m  on my own,   when I  surrender I  walk with God.  Resistance is trying to change things from what they are to what we want, bringing frustrations and false expectations.   Acceptance clears away stress as soon as it comes, and makes it much easier. 

Marianne Williamson said “Surrender doesn’t obstruct our power;  it enhances it.”  Surrender is letting go of control and allowing yourself to go with the flow of life, rather than struggling against it.  Controlling people lack this flexibility and humility; they insist on being in charge of events. This promotes disharmony within themselves and their environment.  Unable to simply allow, they never truly experience the joy and peace of going with the flow of life.   Dr. Mary Neal said:   

“Sometimes we put God in the back seat of our car.  We want him to be present, but not distract us.  We are not ready for him to drive the car.  God is patient and ever merciful.  He sits in the backseat just waiting for our invitation to move up to the front seat,   so that he can steer and press the pedals.  If we give him the car keys, he will take us on an unbelievable ride.”

  

I’m ready to move on to acceptance and surrender and  out of resistance and control. I can bless and be grateful for the Parkinson's drugs that will make this dis-ease easier.  I can ask God to make my burdens light then release it all to him.  I am ready to   surrender my entire life to him;  “I am your  instrument, what would you have me do?”  I will be  still and listen, and know that He is God. It’s not up to me to heal myself, our Savior is the great physician and healer.   I can choose to have peace, love and joy in this life because of Him and his atonement that makes everything all better!  

               
                  CELEBRATING ANOTHER BIRTHDAY